The corpse of childhood

                          The corpse of childhood

And here we go round and round on the voyage of life. He crosses the mountains, the rivers ,the oceans and in the end finds what he wanted were given at the starting of his journey. The old man realizes as a child how jolly and imaginative he was,how everyday was different than the other day eagerly waiting for what the next day has in its stock, the world was a mystery to him to explore .But as he walked the path through the civilization all traces of originality derived by him from nature as an infant becomes corrupted by so called maturity. When happiness, violence, anger takes a whole lot of dimension and have a permanent but nuisance effect on the ocean of human conception. Who is more God fearing than a child? A God who looks over any injustice, a God who will punish the evil and make the earth a better place to be in. This God in matured form becomes for him a channel of achieving personal selfish gains, a God bribed daily in temples mosques churches with promises to serve him  even better if one or other selfish goal is achieved no matter if his other children gets destroyed. They fight for racial discrimination, religious intolerance, casteism. Ask a child what are these entities and he will have no clue, a supreme matured way to deny all categorical divide  and knowing only the ultimate goal i.e. God that looks into every injustice ,a god that is continuously trying to make the world a better place to flourish. They say every human has a trace of childhood deep buried in some   hidden corner of their heart. Whenever these hidden traces confront with the reality there are rays of unselfish happiness and pleasure but the traces are again buried soon for fear of being called immature. The sublime flowers, the affectionate shade of trees, the lofty mountains, the ever flowing river all has billions of memories soaked in the spirit of those who spent their life painting their beauty looking at it mysteriously as the child thinking beyond the road amiss where lies some strange land. Do we look at morning sun just for once or the first drops of rain that washes the dusty leaves or the sunset with the feathered creatures shadow on the orange sun. A black screen of monotonous existence blinds millions of those majestic events that passes everyday insulted by our ignorance. My conscious traces from memory the song “have you ever seen the rain” from CCR right now and I just ponder on the thought on when did I actually last noticed the rain alone watching it draining the thirsty earth. I can’t remember. But soon I remember the child waiting for the rains to come, projecting those handcrafted paper boats on micro streams on the roads and chasing them to their end drenched at the shower. Imagining every tiny wave and turns as mountains and valleys through which their boat shall pass even though they have not actually seen those mountains. There nature sits down on their soul and showers its beauty in the form of thrill and excitement .Now my childhood has died and in its dead rotten shell my adulthood grows feeding on decayed species of hereditary induced ferocious inhuman elements. But there still remain vestiges of soul from childhood that sometimes in a flash put life into the decayed corpse. I now want to play and play again till I get exhausted and feel asleep on the comfy pillows of infancy. I now want to laugh on silly things and not stop till my eyes are soaked with tears .Let me be again the way I am and accept whatever you are and if not fight with you and probably beat you or get thrashed and forget what happened the other day.I no more want to know all those I had learnt and let me be amazed with every sort of happenings as Bob Seger said “I wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then”

The idea of absolute nothing

                          

As my soul sat on a voyage through the ocean that spread to the endless horizon, through the wilds  that run thousand nautical ,through millions of light years into the boundless universe ,I found myself  turned back to my very existence. The idea of existence and destiny, as to many others, has always been a question of irony to me. And this very circumstance where destiny turns back to existence, I find myself turned to the idea of nothingness. Its really amazing that the word nothing has let me to think so much that factors of living had become insignificant to  me .there I stumble across  the word absolute and I discovered that everything is subjected to a scale whose index have been fixed according to certain comparative elements. So what is absolute. The day we find the right index of absolute ,all debates between good and bad, theist and atheist, devils and priest would come to an end. As logical arguments would be specified under certain known index ,the scope of argument would be specified on some known agenda of universally accepted ideas and thus the scope of multidimensional reasoning would stop.

 We all begin our journey from the same glacier and as we flow through the ages like a stream there are these rocks called circumstances that guides us along different direction. as we sail thousands of miles crashing into tons of rocks, we find ourselves oceans apart from those who started the voyage from the same glaciers. And we say he has gone too far or he has stayed far behind. Though actually we are all flowing continuously and nobody is far ahead or behind. Its just all have flown in separate course, some flown through the mighty green valleys, some through dense forests and so on. but in the long run nothing really matters as we all will eventually fall into the mighty ocean called death. And our death will be a grain size event with respect to the massive world.

Coming back to the idea of nothingness, I wonder what purpose are we serving here, why are we bothered with tons of emotions though even the greatest emotion is overcome by time, why we like to be social though we always fear society, why we complain about having to do same repetitive things everyday and still go for those things the next day? Here one might say since life has no meaning, what shall we do? Shall we repeat the endless process shown by our predecessors and like them fall into the ocean of death tired, bored and full of remorse or should we stop bothering everything and repent over the fact that life has no meaning?

The most logical idea for people who believe in nothingness or nihilism is to create their own meaning of life. Its like an empty canvas ,a symbol of nothingness and we may create our own image of life with the colours of our progressive thinking. A master stroke of creativity that has no boundary and is not corroded by the hand of monotonous repetitive phenomenon designed by the people who preceded us and practiced by those around us. a world where one’s creative existence is a question to preconceived ideas.

            GOD IS GETTING ALONE

God the real guardian has always been a symbol of irony to me. A statue of tyranny, illogical propaganda and difference monger though his theoretical definition signifies something of opposite nature .So most of my life god stayed as my loyal opposition. There was always a question in my mind, in the midst of all these illogical reasons to follow his dictatorship; there must be something divine about this hypothetical god. The symmetrical universe with all its components placed in every right place forces me to give a think and thus evolves a ray of belief for this hypothetical structure, though suppressed immediately by the volleys of pre existed concepts against this unseen.I began to try understanding his ironical nature and concluded that until any modern theorists proves to the remotest possibility of its dismissal,i have to give some thought about the concept of god.the way to belief in god should be directed through logical reasoning of his proposed ethics keeping in mind that the proposer is not  god but human beings like us.So by the standards of  evolution our civilization has gone through it should be evident that rituals ,rules ,practices of god should have regular amendments keeping in mind the present social, economical, psychological and environmental features. But thousands of primitive ethics and values with their old moral watchdogs has no sign of tolerance to human psychology that changes with every civilization and environment.God must be deaf or he is on a silent fast because everytime the elements of civilization undergoes a progressive change,one of his follower becomes his logical opposer. The reason being that the rusted closet of morals and ethics could not satisfy the rate of change of civilizational entity.And so god gets alone with every second passing with only surrounded by the adamant self proclaimed agents of him.

DARK CAPTIVATION

Though in the midst of dark

Deserted by once own loyal shadow,

Still i catch the sight of dancing stars

On the rooftop of infinite spectra.

Little i need is some placid stroke

Of their distant scanty gleam

Not the vicious hammer of midday sun

Where my divine stars vanish in panic.

My thoughts now rest captivated

On those ancient frozen river

That once raced untamed and swift,

Crossing over kingdoms of imagination.

Though an era slipped , yet i wait

In hope for resolute ice to crumble.

Yet again to swim in the holy depth

And stir in its tranquil flow

Only to carry my sterile essence

Far far off to the heavenly space.

INTERPRETATION OF LAST NIGHT SUBCONSCIOUS INCIDENT

I dnt knw wheatr paulo coelho was right about omens in alchemist when i read it four years ago....i dnt knw have any clue abt interprtatn of a drm ....i haf bn backside to the existnce of god till knw ...bt a mere drmm lst ngt is forcing me to change my views....interpretatn of dreams is totally unfamiliar n uninterested to my brains ...bt in jst a momnt i realzd dat dre do exist a string of link betwn evry happnings in dis wrld applied to humans in my context.....its bcz d thngs i sawlast night might b calld in a way an omen as ths has links to various psychological phnomnon i hav bn obsevn in vry prsn's lyf ,dat i encountr ,wit a definte set of simpl lookn puzzls n inications whch haf surfaced in my heart but i hav unwillingly buryin thm to inexistnce ...bt al of a suddn al thse behavirial observtns n conclsns r tryn to mk sum snse n haf bn falln in ordr as if i haf opnd a pandraz box n dat too by a mere otrwse nonsensicl dream...one thing i m sre is sum dreams wit unfnishdconclsns r defintly relatd to ones lyf as ds may b due to querries evolvd in ones heart bt haf nt navigatd to hs brains fr d persns unwillngness or snse of fear....ds querries may indicate d probability of occurance or non occurance of certain evnts in future basd on decisn makn in d prsnt though d indctn may nt b grntd ....bt thx i didnt haf to stdy or resrch nythng to realize dat ....i haf bn atheist all my lyf though i m stll religiously atheist bt frm nw i am happily forcd to conceptualze in my mind dat drez sum natre god who is respnsble fr all ds unsn evnts ,emotns , conclsns, indictns ,regretn etc..i ll nt ask fr forgivns fr nt blievn in ds natre god as i feel refusal is btr dn blind faith....as fr nw dis natre god has cum to me thrgh slf realztn n nt herediterly as gods r mostly imported to one's mind by the later mentnd path...i thngs i haf bn wrtn r vry smpl n requires vry littl brain....but yes totally unused brains may nt undrstnd my intrprtatn of lst lght dream....

FINAL RETREAT

Beneath the dawn and dusk

I wait for your tender caress

Like tiny droplets in a dry soul

Like sun’s flowing river of warming shine

In burzum bed of night, i see your floating mirage

Caught up secretly in thy corner of the heart

Battling with age long hurricane of dilemma

Mind and soul separated like heaven and earth

Being dragged in blackhole of no return

I tie myself with thread of your undying love

Hold me tight , dry my tears in your caring lap

Thy almighty! Kneeling down in desperation

Keeping my demons in bay,

Behind the shadow of your fading faith

There you come like winter god’s blessing majestic warmed

Beneath the cool clouds of centurial agony

Finally winds of change crossed the gigantic mountain

WHEN I AM GONE

when the river goes dry ,roses go pale

when i am poor scavenger wandering by the road

when i am lost in the dungeons of forest

will you still be there ,behind my shadow

i am nothing but winters fading green

let me sleep beside you ending this freezing night

to wake up with your face like the morning sun

and wash my sins with serene tears

diverging along hundred tributaries

i forgot where the river was

watching every star dancing with light

i lost my own sun beneath the eclipse i couldn't fight

far from the banks of endless sea

watching you like fisherman's little boat

though every boat turns a wreckage

i wait till every dusk and awake with new dawn

as thousand birds migrating with you fragrance

echoing your laughter the winds dance

reminding me of your proximity

blessing reasons to wait till eternity

so if i am gone of my earthly presence

my soul will guard my silent screams

to unleash it all upon your feet

remembering you when i am gone